We sail tonight for Singapore,
we're all as mad as hatters here.
I've fallen for a tawny Moor,
took off to the land of Nod.
Drank with all the Chinamen,
walked the sewers of Paris.
I danced along a colored wind,
dangled from a rope of sand.
You must say goodbye
to
me.
‘Surreal Stare’
Spray paint on linen - 50x50cm
Multilayer stencil all handcut
Sim City 5
Another 60$ day-one purchase that EA misses out on due to their insistence on making it an “Origin Exclusive.”
That brings my personal tally up to three games:
- Battlefield 3
- Mass Effect 3
- Sim City 5
It will feel genuinely good when I buy these games for ten bucks on steam after Origin collapses.
The Ego Answers….again - Part 2 is up.
Come revel in my embarrassment.
Six Flags: Fat / old guy’s survivors guide.
On Saturday my wife and I took a trip to Six Flags: Magic Mountain in Valencia, CA. It had been 13 years since my last visit and I was stoked to ride all the crazy new shit I had driven past so many times. Here are the lessons I learned.
- If you can avoid it, don’t go on the day of the “Hallelujah festival.” The park was packed with bus-loads of christian tweens, who may be the most obnoxious people on the planet. You would think that they would be polite and well behaved, you know, because Jebus is watching and all. You’d be wrong. These little fucks were cutting lines, screaming at the top of their lungs and having annoying conversations that were audible from 50 yards away - all while under the supervision of their “youth ministers”. What do those guys do, anyway? Because it sure isn’t “keep the kids in line.”
- If you are taller than 6’1” you can forget about riding about half the shit in the park. This has nothing to do with being fat. At 6’1” myself I could barely fit my legs into the “standard” sit-down roller coaster cars. I’m talking no room at all between my knees and the front of the car.
- If you’re fat, prepare to have your collarbones bruised by the “newer” rides. Anything with an over-the-shoulder harness that apparently keeps skinny people all nice and snug in these rides become a torture device if you have a gut and man-tits. It’s doable, but if you are much fatter than me, I wouldn’t bother.
- The X2 is the most terrifying roller coaster I’ve ever been on. My wife and I ended up in the first car of this son of a bitch, and let me tell you: I was genuinely afraid for my life. The entire car you’re in switches configurations to make sure that you’re in the most horrifying position possible - and that first drop….fucking awesome. Plus there is a fireball. An actual fireball, no shit. I screamed out “THE FLAMES OF JUSTICE” in abject terror. I’m still not sure what I meant by it.
- The newest roller coaster in the park is called “Green lantern: First Flight.” Like its namesake, it’s a lame fucking superhero. It may have had something to do with my being fat, but this thing was more like a car accident simulator than a “ride”. I felt like I’d had my ass kicked by an army of ill tempered dwarves after I got off, and the first “drop” shifted my body into a position that crushed my nuts, and I couldn’t scoot back until they released the harness at the end of the ride. No bueno. Skip it, or ride it - then tell me I was right.
- The Tatsu is the best roller coaster ever conceived by man in my opinion. I wish I would have ridden it three more times. There is some kind of “inverted flip” that literally crushes the air out of you for a full second or two due to the G-Forces involved. I know that doesn’t sound fun, but trust me, it’s amazing. It’s a “face down” roller coaster, so you literally feel like you’re flying. Top it off with the fact that it was completely fat-guy friendly. Totally comfortable for a guy my size.
- It’s still 100 degrees in mid september in L.A. Don’t bother getting to the park before it opens, unless waiting in a giant mass of sweaty, angry people for the gates to open is your idea of thrilling. The park opens at 10:30. Wait till 11:15, then just walk in like a boss. The sun beating down on your head is not a fun thing either. Bring a hat and sunscreen.
I don’t watch political conventions…
But tonight, as I skimmed through the channels I was like:
“Oh shit! There’s Clint Eastwood.”
He’s standing there in front of a backdrop consisting of himself as the iconic “Man with no Name”. Looking badass. So I stopped. I watched.
What the fuck just happened? Did anyone else see this shit? Did he interview an invisible Obama? Did he fucking ramble for 10 minutes incoherently? Who cleared this? Did someone give this “speech” the thumbs up, or did they just figure “Nah, Clint’s got this.”
I’m far from a republican, but I found myself wishing that the guy with the hook from “Showtime at the Apollo” would softshoe onto the stage and drag his ass off.
What a fucking epic faceplant - and that’s probably the most mainstream political event I’ll watch all election season.
I’ll say it again - for the umpteenth fucking time - We are horribly, irredeemably fucked. What a goddamned zoo.
Look, I love me some TJ as much as the next guy, but I have to wonder if his latest video (linked above) is an exercise in intentionally absurd irony. I almost don’t want to comment on it, for fear that the other shoe is going to drop leaving me looking like an assclown.
It’s bugging me, though. So here are the problems with the video as I see them.
First and foremost, the parenthetical portion of his title “Stop exploiting tragedy”. Isn’t posting a video about an hours-old multiple homicide that (even you admit) nobody knows a goddamned thing about, then slathering ads all over said video and kicking back waiting for the search term traffic to roll in “exploitative”? Is monetary exploitation of a hot search term okay, while ideological exploitation of the same event isn’t?
Secondly and lastly, the hyper-simplified black and white portrayal of the gun debate in this country is just lazy, and (at least to me) came off as a poor rationalization for rushing to the presses to scoop up them adsense dollars while the gettin’ was good. As TJ knows, the debate involves a little more than “BAN ALL GUNS” on the left and “GIVE EVERY THREE YEAR OLD A GLOCK” on the right.
Maybe I misread the whole video. Maybe I’m in a bad fucking mood today (protip: I am.)
kingklosk asked: Hey, I just spent hours listening to your "The Ego Answers" videos, while playing video-games, that did not require sound. Anyway, I was just wondering if you will ever make videos like that again, or just videos in general where you tell your audience stories of your life. Because frankly, my life is boring as shit, so I really enjoy hearing about other people's less boring lives. Just wondering.
I think that the problem lies in the fact that the type of videos you describe above are the ONLY videos I have any real interest in making at this time. I love telling stories, and I love riffing on multiple topics in a given video, but I’m not convinced that youtube is the best venue for that type of content at this time. I feel like a podcast would better suit me, but I’m relatively clueless on setting one up and promoting it, and I’m horrible at imposing deadlines on myself.
I’m also not convinced that my audience would continue to be interested in my content if I committed to the format above all else.
TL:DR - yes, I plan on doing more answers videos, I’m just not sure how, or when.
Allow me to transcribe:
My fellow Americans.
In matters of geopolitics, there are only two choices: Endless, meatgrinder warfare, or sucking the devil’s dick and swallowing his unholy load. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m no dicksucker. Some of my colleagues on the left think that diplomacy is a viable option. To them I say - “When has talking ever made a dime for anyone?”
You are, of course, entitled to your opinion, but if you think that *insert country here* is going to back down without a trillion dollar defense industry windfall, then you may as well hit your knees now and start begging for the Morning Star’s gravy.
Before I finish my sales pitch, allow me to invoke the names of Moses and Jesus, or if religion isn’t your thing, allow me to prop up the corpses of American war dead throughout our bloody history. I’ll remind you, also, that complicated issues are always painted in the starkest black and white. Shades of gray should be the international symbol of surrender.
So, suit up! Suit up, sons and daughters of the disenfranchised American poor! Suit up and kill - or be killed if that is your fate. When you return, you will be broken, jingoistic symbols of American capital, momentarily worshiped, then quickly forgotten; left alone to struggle with the things you’ve done for God and country.
God bless America.
The Nazi version of the swastika was not a symbol of Hitler. It was a symbol of the Nazi party and Germany under Nazi rule.
Not to mention, they completely neglected the most sinister symbol person of ALL FUCKING TIME:
(via amazingatheist)
